What Is Really Going On?

The father of my children went out of town a week ago and still hasn't returned. We spoke to him the first note he was in Las Vegas and he dropped off the face of the earth after that. I sent an email two days ago with a really nice picture of the two oldest and got a short response, nothing since. I am not the type to sit around and wait or become someone's door mat so I sent a text message to this mythical work cell number telling the weirdo to go somewhere else if he decides to return to my hometown. A part ofe wants him to show up so I can kick him in the throat off of my porch but the rest of me has been wondering when he was going to decide to leave again. Patterns never lie and I am sure this is the last time I am willing to go through this again. Las Vegas has some awesome sights to see and the last time I went with my kids dad he got drunk the NIGHT BEFORE we were leaving and didn't show up until I was getting in the car to drive my two year old son and five month old daughter home. I figured he was with a jooker but what do I know, I keep becoming this non-existent person who is convenient enough to keep living with. We will see what happens in the next few days because I am ready to bust some heads and get on with my life.

Delicious Boots

So I found these awesome boots on http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001RNO6UY  that will hopefully go with anything I plan to wear into my 6th & 7th months of pregnancy. I figure by the time I'm well into my final trimester I'd rather wear a damn stretch waist dress than worry about squeezing myself back into some over priced fabric pants that I will never wear again...so the dresses are my plan and these boots are going to rock the wardrobe for the final months and the enjoyable winter I plan to have.

16 Days to Go

This was my early spring four years ago. I love it. Hanging out in the Teton Valley east of Jackson Hole. Great students and an eye opening experience when we all realized how many goldfish were alive and well in the middle of a hot spring in Wyoming.

I think about that day a lot and I believe there are crocodiles alive in the sewers of NYC because I've seen these crazy fish using the survival skills they were given to adapt and make the most the situation.

SO back to the topic at hand-sixteen days until Christmas. I have a plan to get each of my children two gifts each. That would include the basics-socks & underwear and a decent toy that we can manage.

On the same note, I have a family in mind to get toys for. I met a family with five children ages 8, 6, 5, 4, 2 and another baby on the way. I figure they have enough on their plate just getting by that I will look into getting them each a gift...a budget of at least 10 bucks a piece...I don't know what it is but this situation breaks my heart. I know their personal struggle is theirs for a reason but growing up in a large family with two years between me and my older brother and younger brother it's hard to wrap my mind around the fact that my mom made it through. Knowing what we struggled through I hate to have such a young group of children going through a hard time.

For my kiddos they both are into morning cartoons. So I found some great www.amazon.com movie deals and it was worth the ten minutes to sort and find.

Other plans for the winter would be possibly going on a ski trip with my kids and their dad. Heading back up to Jackson to try and make some good family time. If we don't do the day of skiing then maybe we will take the Elk Refuge wagon ride.

So tomorrow I will look at other deals and try to find something worth writing about.

Fall Is Upon Us v2011

The average temperature at night is 43 degrees. Not too cold but not exactly the coziest temp for a two year old. We've been extra bundled in the mornings and she's loving the different feel of fabrics and the way she's able to move.
Tights and dresses are a new look for both of us. I think she's enjoying it just as much as I am so I'll keep on keeping on with it.

Son on the other hand isn't too fond for the corduroy pants and layers he's having to put on and take off. We've been working on the toilet use and I think we are starting to get the hang of it. 

Will need to make room in the guest restroom so he's comfortable going to both places when the urge arises.

Our large dog is doing well. With the end of our lease a year away I'm not sure what the plans are for him right now. I considered giving him to another family that had similar room for him to run but he's such a meek dog he may have a hard time adjusting to a new place. Or he may be resilient like our kiddos and fall in love with a new location and never remember much about the old place.

If You Ever Knew

"Well for one more night I'd like to lie and hold you. Yes and feel. To make you smile I'd like to be there for you. Have you forgotten me." If You Ever Did Believe

Its over. It ended over the weekend all anger and animosity for my decision to keep the family unit together drove him out of my life.I never thought I'd make a decision so profound-for myself and my children. I intentionally harmed someone to give my life over to raising my children.

I don't know if I made the right decision. I know I gave away what I know my heart needed. Whatever he feels and however I believed I could fit into his life will always be a part of me. For the short amount of time we spent together and the discussions and few disagreements we had, I don't think we'd ever really believed it was as simple as things were going. Don't know if it would have ever stayed as simple as it was if we would have continued. 

Masculine, honest, straight forward, and loyal. Always loyal and willing. That is the man I dreamed about finding and that was a great start to something I felt I could have believed in. A simple life with simple pleasures and a companion at the end of a long day is what I felt like I found with this man. With the good always comes the bad, but with both of our vices-things didn't look impossible. But, there was a long, uncomfortable pause after we'd come together, and it gave way to me choosing to keep my head down and kids first once again. One day, maybe somewhere down the road we can find time to be together when the weight of my responsibility to my children isn't so heavy and I can make time for myself. 

He came into my life after such a heartbreaking loss to me. I made the decision to give up the fading idea of a nuclear family and making a home. I was baking, saving recipes, planning for summer vacations, and accepting responsibility for my role in making the best of my  pseudo-wifely duties. With the death of a  monumental friend, I realized that I gave up every part of me that I enjoyed and the good things in life that made me want to be social. I didn't want to feel lost in my own skin anymore and I wanted to live again!

When I gave up the ghost of my ideal life, I had opportunities and met people who'd also been through similar changes who were also beginning a new life and seeing the world through refreshed eyes and wanted to believe just as much. As he mentioned when we started to get comfortable, allowing all the bad stuff go and start over with a good person. I was grateful. It helped me realize that not everyone was trying to get ahead, and hard work is a good way of life. He's helped me realize that there are cowboys who still work hard for  the dream of finding love, making a home, and taking time to enjoy the view.

I believe in him but I know it's not my role to heal him or fix him in any way. I am humbled by the opportunity to get to know someone like him but there's so much in his life he has to find a way through, I can't lead him into a new life. When our lives are equally ready for us to come together I believe that will happen. I hope he knows that there are women in this world who genuinely deserve the respect and love he's shown.

Even when we're down to the wire.

"Even when I'm down to the wire baby, even when it's due or die...this love is a sure thing." Miguel

Is love a sure thing? I don't think so. It seems like through the muddle of emotions we feel on a daily basis, love is the most remarkable because it resurfaces and reassures us of our place in the world.

My place in the world is where ever I end up at the end of the day, as long as my kids are safe and happy I am following suite.

Tell me how you REALLY FEEL, 2010?

Heartbreak at the end and sadness at the beginning of 2011. Lost my dear friend, lost an uncle, and losing a good, good, person I had the honor of knowing. Cancer kills and death sucks.

I'm sitting here in the dark and planning my grand escape to a friends house for the night. I don't run away from problems, I usually just deal with em and get on with living. I'm in a doozy and wondering how to get out of a possible rut in a new relationship. Sh!t or get off the pot time. GO TIME.

I'm dating, it was going well, but little deal breakers are pushing us apart and apparently I speak with my cooch instead of my head so now I asked the person I began dating to take a little time out since we seem to be getting on each others' nerves.

I don't want to be the adult here, I don't want to make decisions for other people but I honestly don't want to live a lie and get down the road with a squeaky fan belt that turns into a broke down car. I'm stepping away and plan to look to my childen, and worry about what's best from here on out.


The relief of not having to plan for someone elses' life and dealing with the pressure of trying to make his family and mine into one symbiotic working unit was a little too tough for me. I like him a lot, not sure if it's love cause my version of love in the past was skewed so I just dove in this time around and I realized I couldn't feel the bottom.

We will see what the evening holds and back to the old grind in the morning.