Fallin' Up

'Forever could never be long enough for me. To feel like I've had long enough with you." Shoulda, coulda, woulda...I get stuck in this frame of mind and it DOGS me. It follows me and has a lingering effect on me. My deHeemp, my person, my geechnDivo. The man I knew would have seen me through my adult life passed on. People have seen him as a youngster, but I had a hard time understanding that. To me he's always been a guy growing into a man. He's always been a man to me. I've liked him because I have always believed in the person he was going to become. The man he was going to be was a part of what use to make my heart strong. I was so proud, I am so proud of what he brought to my life. 'Love has surely shifted my way.' In my own way I worked to get the heck outta town, I wanted to see what the world had to offer away from here. From where I ended up at I hoped he made his way and was enjoying life and liked what he was learning just as much a...

I miss my friend.  I'm sad for the loss of that life. With the gift of my children and the passing of others, I didn't have the time or the energy to see him through his grief. I knew that was suppose to be his road and I stepped away from it all. I wasn't the only one who did and for whatever reason I could not bring myself to slap him back into reality. Like a lot of other people I watched from a distance as his life went it's way and mine went the other. There were struggles and times when I knew my life would be different if we didn't change so much. The person I knew and the kid I remember wasn't the shell of a man I passed on the road. Loving life is being able to take the good with the bad, he was given more bad then good and I hate to know that he walked that alone most of the time. My instict to draw him in and give him, or any other person time to heal and know that if nobody else cares, I do. I live this way, I give that energy because there wil...

'In order to gain nobility in life. A person must show bravery, confidence, courage, patience, optimism, and intelligence during the struggle. Then even if the prize is lost, the person has won the battle. Proving himself capable of retaining grace under pressure, the ultimate test of man kind.'

Why are we so unhappy? Because not everything goes our way, because we dread doing things we don’t want to do, but have to and we can’t do many things we don’t want to do-but have to and we can’t do many things we want to do. All this boils down to is the fact that we feel we are a person with desires that conflict with our circumstances and our responsibilities. In other words, our ‘violations’ are not always in line with what is happening or what should be done. An understanding of what we are and what the mind is can free us from this false sense of violation and remove the burden of our responsibilities. Then we can actually be happy without trying.

Thursday, November 4th I invited Clifford to come see me in Cape Clifford during a time that would put us in a location that wouldn’t force the questions we’d been asking or the past month. I wanted the opportunity to see for myself where he and I were headed in life. He backed out and it dawned on me that he was just as nervous about not knowing how to approach the opportunity to be more than friends. This means, for me, three more years of wondering if there really is something between us or if it’s just youthful illusions of grandeur. Friday, November5th I got to see Clifford today. He visited most of the day and after we got back to the hotel room from a day of working on various work-related projects I was ready to get to bed. He called the room & took a taxi to my location. Amazing. Good visit and polite conversation was held the first few hours. He helped me accept where my life is. Over two days I expected and wanted more than just a conversation. I expected there to be m...

I love the fall season. I like the colors, I love the weather, and I adore the fact that there are no bugs! Speaking of bugs, I have a whole infestation of little beetle critters in the Cottonwoods. ...just went to Google and I believe I have white margin burrower bugs...good times at my house. I have so many of these darn things I thought they were coffee grounds sprinkled along the side of the house and under the tree-till I noticed the whole pile was moving. I just walked away and swallowed the barf back down. So other than that just working on the ole yard. Getting ready to pile and burn some leaves so I can get to the bottom of the infestation. I also have bulbs I was hoping to get into the ground before too long. Good times at my house. My gigantic baby puppy needs a tack shed. he is too large for a dog house and I know he's uncomfortable sleeping on our covered porch and trying to lay underneath our steps because one end is always hanging out. I am going to see what I can m...

"...today you won't remember me. You face will be the reason I smile. I will not see what I cannot have forever. I'll always love you. I hope you feel the same." Maxwell For the past fifteen years I've had one male friend who's come and gone out of my life as need be. His needs being met in finding a female perspective and someone to reiterate his desire to find a female life partner and his right to be happy. The last time we spoke at length, my connection, my person that tied he and I had passed. I was the person to relay the news. Heartbroken and wondering about our opportunity to reunite, I didn't have the energy to explain my current boyfriend and the distance he and I had developed over the years. Why my beau and I didn't have the connection I had with my friend was hard for me to accept and explain. He knew and didn't force our conversation. We lost contact for two years. The next time I saw him was before the birth of my first child. H...