Monday, March 7, 2011

If You Ever Knew

"Well for one more night I'd like to lie and hold you. Yes and feel. To make you smile I'd like to be there for you. Have you forgotten me." If You Ever Did Believe

Its over. It ended over the weekend all anger and animosity for my decision to keep the family unit together drove him out of my life.I never thought I'd make a decision so profound-for myself and my children. I intentionally harmed someone to give my life over to raising my children.

I don't know if I made the right decision. I know I gave away what I know my heart needed. Whatever he feels and however I believed I could fit into his life will always be a part of me. For the short amount of time we spent together and the discussions and few disagreements we had, I don't think we'd ever really believed it was as simple as things were going. Don't know if it would have ever stayed as simple as it was if we would have continued. 

Masculine, honest, straight forward, and loyal. Always loyal and willing. That is the man I dreamed about finding and that was a great start to something I felt I could have believed in. A simple life with simple pleasures and a companion at the end of a long day is what I felt like I found with this man. With the good always comes the bad, but with both of our vices-things didn't look impossible. But, there was a long, uncomfortable pause after we'd come together, and it gave way to me choosing to keep my head down and kids first once again. One day, maybe somewhere down the road we can find time to be together when the weight of my responsibility to my children isn't so heavy and I can make time for myself. 

He came into my life after such a heartbreaking loss to me. I made the decision to give up the fading idea of a nuclear family and making a home. I was baking, saving recipes, planning for summer vacations, and accepting responsibility for my role in making the best of my  pseudo-wifely duties. With the death of a  monumental friend, I realized that I gave up every part of me that I enjoyed and the good things in life that made me want to be social. I didn't want to feel lost in my own skin anymore and I wanted to live again!

When I gave up the ghost of my ideal life, I had opportunities and met people who'd also been through similar changes who were also beginning a new life and seeing the world through refreshed eyes and wanted to believe just as much. As he mentioned when we started to get comfortable, allowing all the bad stuff go and start over with a good person. I was grateful. It helped me realize that not everyone was trying to get ahead, and hard work is a good way of life. He's helped me realize that there are cowboys who still work hard for  the dream of finding love, making a home, and taking time to enjoy the view.

I believe in him but I know it's not my role to heal him or fix him in any way. I am humbled by the opportunity to get to know someone like him but there's so much in his life he has to find a way through, I can't lead him into a new life. When our lives are equally ready for us to come together I believe that will happen. I hope he knows that there are women in this world who genuinely deserve the respect and love he's shown.