Friday, December 3, 2010

Vessle, the vehicle the emotion moves through.

'Forever could never be long enough for me. To feel like I've had long enough with you."

Shoulda, coulda, woulda...I get stuck in this frame of mind and it DOGS me. It follows me and has a lingering effect on me. My deHeemp, my person, my geechnDivo. The man I knew would have seen me through my adult life passed on.

People have seen him as a youngster, but I had a hard time understanding that. To me he's always been a guy growing into a man. He's always been a man to me. I've liked him because I have always believed in the person he was going to become.

The man he was going to be was a part of what use to make my heart strong. I was so proud, I am so proud of what he brought to my life.

'Love has surely shifted my way.'

In my own way I worked to get the heck outta town, I wanted to see what the world had to offer away from here. From where I ended up at I hoped he made his way and was enjoying life and liked what he was learning just as much as I was.

Took me ten years to get to that place in life where we finally had the chance to come together. The things I always wanted to say, the thoughts and the actions I always wanted to have the opportunity for finally did happen and it was enough. It was enough to get me through the months, years, and today-and one day-the rest of my lifetime.

The encouragment to love someone I've always wanted to share a life with, someone I never felt like I deserved or shared enough in common with but love and respect, I always wondered if that would have been enough.

His place in my life, his place in my idea of community, have always been huge roles. He never believed me when I told him that. He always made it seem like he was a neweDivo and would always be on the outskirts. Never in my life. I wanted him close, I held him responsible in my life.

He gave me my children. I never considered being a mother. I thought that part of my life passed me by. One night, our first long night of talking and hanging out, he told me about his marriage, his perspective on it now, and the regret of not having that opportunity. That was it for me. Some part of me, or hearing how that effected a guy, I wanted to give that to him.

I knew he couldn't, but in the heat of the moment, asking to consider it made my heart skip a beat and a part of me wanted to believe I was given the chance to give him one thing he wanted. His son.

Nine and half months later when my baby was born, I thought about him and wondered why Creator gave me the baby I wanted with a different man that didn't love me. For that first year I drove past my geechenDivos place and wondered how much easier our life would have been if my son could have come into the world with the man I wanted. I could have coped, I could have bonded, I wouldn't have been alone.

I love my life, I love my children, I miss my friend. My heart aches, the one man that grew up here that I felt I could depend on is gone.