Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Let Love Set You Free to Fly

"...today you won't remember me. You face will be the reason I smile. I will not see what I cannot have forever. I'll always love you. I hope you feel the same." Maxwell

For the past fifteen years I've had one male friend who's come and gone out of my life as need be. His needs being met in finding a female perspective and someone to reiterate his desire to find a female life partner and his right to be happy.

The last time we spoke at length, my connection, my person that tied he and I had passed. I was the person to relay the news. Heartbroken and wondering about our opportunity to reunite, I didn't have the energy to explain my current boyfriend and the distance he and I had developed over the years. Why my beau and I didn't have the connection I had with my friend was hard for me to accept and explain. He knew and didn't force our conversation. We lost contact for two years.

The next time I saw him was before the birth of my first child. He and I didn't get a chance to speak for more than a few minutes. I was soon to be a single mother and I wasn't available to offer comforting conversation and support to him at this time. He was planning to marry and I was beginning motherhood. We didn't get to connect and lost contact for three years.

He found me a week ago. Sent me an email and we spoke, exchanged information, and discussed his marriage and my single motherhood. Sexual tension and the long harrowing journey of our friendship and relationship, or loss of opportunity-were the topic for the past week. 

Travel to and from places we talked about seeing together, relationships with family, and the addition to his family through adoption, and my understanding of his desire to have children of his own were heartfelt text messages. 

Through my desire to connect again, or my adolescent understanding of 'my place' in his life I thought I had the right to want a face to face meeting. I felt that I had 'a right' to see if there was more to our lifetime than hit and miss discussions of life experience and lessons learned to make our life together better. When the time came, it will never come.

That wasn't the case. It dawned on me that I am at his will. He made little time to come to me in any situation. I am optional and a fantasy life that he cannot commit to. I am a band-aid and he serves that purpose in my life as well. I chose to rip my band-aid off.

I fear this is the end. I am not anxious to see what the next ten years would bring me if I kept my role in this man's life. I respect his journey, I respect his family, and I miss my friend.

The past few days were spent circling the drain of-we'll lose our friendship. We'll violate that barrier, that connection we've both wanted but respected because it would be treading new water and something neither of us agreed to violate.

I offered to violate, but he opted for more time and the chance to complete his marriage and try to have his children with the woman he chose. 

My role in this man's life has been a cheerleader and he found ways to help me believe I was more. I never was more. In my own pompous thinking I believed I made him a better person. I contributed to helping him remember who he was. I was mislead.

I was a trophy of his youth and a way for him to feel accomplished. I felt accomplished with him in my life. He was a window into my past and hope for my future. He did lift me up, he has made me feel whole, a week ago-he gave me hope. 

The call I fear, the information coming to me that I dread is his passing. I love him dearly but even in such an event, my role will always be secondary and in my own way I grieve his exit from my life even now.