Thursday, July 29, 2010

A Case Of You

"...go to him. Stay with him if you can, but be prepared to bleed...you're so bitter and so sweet. I could drink a case of you...still I'd be on my feet. I'd still be on my feet."

I'm still on my feet. I ended my relationship with the father of my children. I remember my life when I first discovered this song by Joni Mitchell. I was younger, childless, and wondering what a life with a family would be like. I was going to school full time and learning what a life of my own felt like. 

I started my 30's wondering what my future was going to hold. I didn't imagine children in my future or making my life with someone in it. I was standing on the edge of a new life and not looking back. Wading into the world and contemplating a plunge without looking back...but I did.

I met someone and accepted the road that started with a new relationship and the dream of loving someone and creating a life we both kept at arms length. Neither of us knew how to do it or why we waited so long to begin this dream but we were learning as we went.

"Loving is touching souls. Surely you touched mine, cause part of you pours out of me in these lines from time to time."

I was in love, I wanted to have a functioning family unit, but I realize now it's not what works for me, or for him. My children will grow, they'll strive and as long as I can love and maintain their relationship with both of us. For the past eight years I've loved enough for both of us to come together to raise our babies. I am tired and I am calloused and not feeling like I have enough energy to rejuvenate a lost relationship another week, or (sigh) year.

In this day I have no anger, no loss. What I do have is energy to explain to my 3 year old that his daddy doesn't live with us anymore. No matter how many times he checks the drive way or the bedroom in the morning he won't find him. Not everyone who knocks on our door will be his dad. I'm not the first person to have to go through this, and that's comforting for me.

It's time. I've had enough and I'm still standing.